Life, Illustrated.

I can’t find the charger for my camera. This means that the blog will cease to be illustrated until I buy a new one. A new camera, that is.

In other news that will fail to alter the course of human history, here is how to effectively get rid of fleas without burning down your house:

1. bathe dogs in flea-shampoo, followed by dip and then spray them with anti tick and flea spray. Once they’ve dried, apply Advantage to their backs. Your dogs will glow in the dark and smell like the Dupont factory, but there will not be a living flea within five miles of them.

2. throw the dogs in the yard forever. (or, if you live in an apartment like me, attach each dog to one end of a long tie down that’s looped through the balcony. And then feel sorry for Nanook, who’s pressed up against the building all day while Ludo cavorts around on 10′ of rope).

2. wash all of your clothes, including the dry-clean only ones, and transport them directly from the dryer into plastic bags that you then vigorously tie air-tight shut. Leave bags in laundry room because, for no reason supported by science, this room has been declared a no-flea-zone.

3. drench the floors in a toxic concoction of lysol followed by pine-sol. Do not bother to mop up the standing water. You haven’t researched this, but assume that fleas can’t swim.

4. buy four cans of anti-flea/tick carpet powder and shake all four cans out onto your bedroom carpet. Instructions state to not allow contact with human skin and, for best results, leave in carpet for 24 hours. Leave it there for 48 and get to your bathroom by leaping from the door of the bedroom onto the bed and then from the bed to your bathroom. While holding your breath, just in case the stuff has gone airborne.

5. buy two cans of anti-flea/tick furniture spray. Apply liberally to all furniture, including wood. Sprinkle carpet powder into nooks of furniture because you can. And then remember that you haven’t got a hand-vac to suck it all back out with. Hate life.

6. buy 3 bug bombs. Put off one bug-bomb after bathing the dogs. Air out house as per instructions. Put off second bomb after mopping the floors. Air out house. Put off third bomb after vacuuming up carpet powder, just in case. Air out house. Sleep in living room with all of the windows and doors open and fan running to avoid dying in your sleep from chemical inhalation.

Actively look into moving.

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10 thoughts on “Life, Illustrated.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Been there and done that. Dont forget to re-bomb in 48 hour and then a final 3thd bomb another 48 hours to kill eggs. Put moth balls in your vacuumm bags and change the bag after vacuumming. Fleas arent that hard. Roaches can hold their breath for 30 minutes. I’ll spare you the worst… bird mites. Hmm, no wonder I no longer have pets.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Diatomacious earth is a great destroyer of arthropods. It acts like razor blades on their exterior skeletons. Humans and animals can ingest it, but shouldn’t breath it. Sprinkled under carpets and in yards.

  3. Grammapat says:

    Anonymous knows whereof she speaks. Were the fleas there when you moved in or did the dogs bring them home for a play date?

    • Jen says:

      Dogs brought them in, I still live in the same place. Dogs brought the population in and I decimated the population. There were no survivors!

  4. Anonymous says:

    There are flea eggs, so bomb again. Diatomaceous earth can be found at Ace hardware. Be careful with it. Def get the Cedarcide stuff too.
    Bird mites… I did live in a bubble for awhile. Had to throw out mattress, couch etc. Laundry was a pain for months. Those creatures adapt to pesticides so Cedarcide was only solution.

  5. miafaery says:

    Love your post! And this is why we live in a place with hardwood floors and three dogs….it’s just slightly easier to get rid of fleas with no carpets.

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