I’m going to hang out with Teresa tonight. She’s going to tell me all about her fancy new, higher paying job at a huge company here in town and about her nice extended vacation prior to her start date. She also plans on showing off her tan. I can’t wait.
My sister cleverly re-named SWSNBN’d to “Cat 5”. Short for “category five walking apocalypse”. Cat 5 told Teresa that she’d support efforts to find a new position within the company. Teresa diligently fed Cat 5 the details for the internal positions she was applying for. Cat 5 diligently called every hiring manager in question and gave Teresa a terrible review.
EG: “Oh, this job involves analyzing data? Teresa really struggles with analyzing data. I had to let her go.”
Teresa is an excellent analyzer of data. She might be a trifle naive when it comes to gauging who to trust vs who to handle with tongs from the safety of a HAZMAT suit, but she’s really good at everything else.
Cat 5 excels at being weird. She “let me go” because I was completely incompetent. I ran into her at the 1,500 person, multiple site, international 4 day conference that I organized and was thrilled when she ignored my wave and hello. The ignore was a victory. Mm, hm. Be weird with your bad self. And enjoy the buffet, you catastrophe of a woman.
After the event, I ran into a British co-worker on the office stairwell. “Jolly good show! Now what, young lady?” I told him that I was considering my options. He toddled round my desk later that same day to give me another one.
“You’ll think this is mad, but how about coming to work with me? I could give you a grown-up job.” Turns out that the Brit was an executive director and considers himself a maverick, with free reign to do what he damn well likes. Including emailing people job descriptions and asking them to alter them to suit. Because this is what he did. So I wrote my own job description and figured that would be the end of that.
He then asked me if I could travel internationally.
I informed him that I could.
After a one hour interview that turned into two, he slammed his fists on his desk and said “alright Jen, I’ll cut straight to the chase. I think you’re fabulous, when can you start?”
I told him that I was fabulous and was also considering other offers and when he had something solid for me in writing, he would have my attention. There was a hiring freeze in his organization that I was very well aware of and I had no intention of working as a contractor.
The next day he plopped the offer package on my desk, having strong-armed his HR Partner into lifting the hiring freeze, and asked me when I could start.
I told him that I had one more interview and looked forward to giving him an answer in 7 days.
He reeled. Did he have a choice? Yes. Yes, he did. He could move forward with another candidate or he could wait for me.
Several hours later his recruiter asked me how much it would cost them for me to not go on the other interview.
So I named a new salary, above the already very generous, gobs more than I’ve ever made before salary. And they accepted it. The whole world has gone crazy.
“Glad we sorted all that out,” said the Brit. “Now you have a real grown-up job and can buy more things.”
I had to prance past Cat 5’s office to turn in my new-hire paperwork with my old friends in HR. That felt kind of freakin’ fantastic.